Macky Talk

To all who knew Macky

I am Macky's father Patrick. By using the comment mechanism to this post, you can send your thoughts to everyone who views the blog. Just make a comment to this post, and others can read it. Also, I will go back and turn many of your comments into posts of your own, so that others can submit comments to them, in turn.

Thank you for caring.

Patrick

Rachel said

I remember when I first met Macky and he told me he had one feeling, and it was purple and polka dotted and I couldn't hurt it. But I think he soon came to realize that there was more than that. We became so close so fast. It just felt natural to be together. It amazes me how much we both grew together and changed each others' lives. I think we were both still confused about life when we met, not quite sure what we were doing. But together, we made everything make sense. He had matured so much in the last two years. He cared about living, he wanted to go to school, and he had stopped drinking so much. He was finally truly happy.

He talked about his family a lot. He'd tell me stories about his Uncle Weems, about him having a BMW motorcycle and skiing in Aspen, his triplet sons and them snowboarding. He'd talked about his Uncle Wallace's cooking, and how great it was. Macky talked about his sisters, too. Jennifer and her movies, and how Amy was a journalist in New York. We talked mostly about his parents though because they were so close. He wanted so much for them both to be happy with him. He was so grateful to have the home he was renting from Katie, and so happy that the two of you were on such good terms again. He had started hiking with his father, and he was really enjoying that. He would come home talking about the hike and what the two of them had talked about. I could just tell how happy he was. He really loved you both very much, no matter how tough he acted at times.

Macky was the smartest person I know (aside from his parents). If I ever had a question he knew the answer or he could find it for me. He was always willing to learn more though, and eager to do that. Macky didn't care what people thought of him. He was who he wanted to be. I admire the strength he had in life. Not only was he physically strong but mentally too. He liked to show his strength too because when we'd wrestle he'd never let me win, and I never won. He showed me that physcial pain does not matter. He could stab himself in the hand, or cut himself on a broken dish and he'd just clean it and wrap it up and that was that. I can't say I felt that way too, but Macky didn't care about pain. It was too petty for him.

I had seen Macky go from house to house, staying with him wherever he was until he got the house he had now. We were planning on moving in together. We talked about it all the time. About how we would decorate and what to do with the spare bedroom. It made him so happy to know we were always gonna be together. His life was finally going just the way he wanted I think. He was very satisfied.

Macky loved listening to music, most recently, The Grateful Dead. He also liked some rap, Pink Floyd, the Beatles, other oldies and many, many more. We would often wake up in the morning and sit for hours listening to music while we ate breakfast. His favorite color was green. He liked playing video games which he was really good at. Once he started playing, it was extremely hard to get him to stop. He played pool a lot at the bar by his house. Him and Machi would have pool series to see ho would win more games. He enjoyed being around his friends, and he had a lot of friends. He would have them over all the time. He was always talking on the phone or wanting to go to a friend's house. He just liked being with his people. He loved to eat, we went out to eat all the time, but we also had delivery all the time. We would go to this smoothie place right by his house. Recently, he had decided that he found the perfect smoothie there. He loved the deviled eggs I would make him, so much in fact that last Thursday, he turned down other deviled eggs because he thought they wouldn't compare. He liked home made potato salad, and pretty much everything else I would cook for him.

We would talk about life and he's say, "Life's a joke,. You have to take things lightly." And when I was upset about something petty, he'd say, "Is your life really that bad?" He was always right though. He didn't like to get in fights anymore. He was very passive aggressive, and so smart, too. I hated arguing with him because he always won. He always figured out a way he was right.

We shared so much love together. We were together whenever we possibly could be. We'd talk multiple times a day, sending texts between calls. We just couldn't get enough of one another. I believe that Macky and I were soul images. He was the most amazing person I know. Our lives fit perfectly together. We completed each other. We were gonna grow old together. I love him with all my heart.

katie said

It is hard to have to stand before all of you and talk about my one and only Macky. He and I have been through a lot in his short 21 years. Through all, Macky has had my heart and I his. I accepted a time ago that I might get the news which I received on Friday that Macky was no longer to be on this human path. My prayers on a daily basis the last years have been that he be safe and find happiness and peace. I am very grateful for the few things he got to experience as an adult, having a job, paying rent, buying his own cell phone, going to the doctor by himself – you know all the fun stuff. Most importantly, he got the chance to experience a romantic love with Rachel that was truly special. She probably knew him better than any of us and I know they had plans and dreams for their lives. My prayers for healing will be with her daily. I believe that his last bit of time here was happy and full of promise for the future.

He had family and friends that stood by him and supported him through the good and not so good times. I want to thank all of you. I also want to thank all the people that have offered their love and support. It means a lot to me and will in the future.

When Macky was Macky as he has been this past year, he lit up my heart. I will not ask the “why” questions that I know have no answers - at least not in this life. I am grateful for all the time I have had with Macky. I am grateful for our talks at breakfast, the daily phone calls he made to me because he knew I needed to hear from him and grateful he could share part of his thoughts and hopes with me. All of you and especially Macky’s peer friends – Remember his impish smile, wonderful sense of humor and his ability to always move forward in life with optimism and hope.

For those who care to join me – I would like to end with the serenity prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amy said

I'm so touched by all the people who are here. thank you. standing room only, macky would think this is very cool.

So you know when random memories keep coming up in your head, the same image pops up, you're not sure why. there's something that kept coming for me with macky. It was on Briggs Beach, a family beach in Rhode Island. Macky is about 4, i think; and I don't think he's seen the ocean before.

He went to the shore and watched as the water went in and out; he was amazed by the way the water ebbed and flowed. He started playing a game where every time the water started coming back, he would turn and run so he could stay just ahead of the waves, so the water wouldn't get on his feet. he had a smile and a look of utter joy on his face, i've never seen anything like it. the only person who had a look like that was his father, who was standing right next to him and playing the same game.

It was just one of those perfect moments that come to people in life that i was lucky enough to see.

I'm going to hold that image, the joy i saw, when i think of Macky. I saw versions of that face again and again over the years: watching a harry potter movie, running in and out of the human heart model at a philadelphia science museum; (he spent six hours in that museum, i took him there); playing basketball.

The smile got a little more sarcastic, a little mischievous as he got older; he'd kind of give me eye rolls and knowing smiles about pretty well-known family jokes or stories. (I won't repeat them here, they're pretty well known).

The other thing I'm always going to think about when i think about macky is his intellect; how brilliant he was.

He and i would have these long, thoughtful conversations about life, how to live it and how often people don't really live by their words. He was wise, an amazing observer of human behavior; he saw things in ways most people didn't. The world often didn't make sense to him and he spent a lot of time looking for answers in his own way; he was attracted to counterculture; meaning the music we're listening to today, Jack Kerouac and Siddhartha, a lot of things I hadn't heard of. But it was always interesting.

Because we were so far apart in age, our main link was Dad. And we did a lot comparing notes. We would have conversations that went, 'No, that didn't work when I was 12 either. Mm hm, he did that. And that.' Macky did the best impression of what Dad looked like when he had stopped listening to you, the exact look on his face ...

Jennifer and I didn't have a brother until we were teenagers; Macky was this unexpected gift that came into our lives. We got to have a brother. It's so hard to see that now through grief and pain. But that's what I'm going to hold as well when I think of Macky. He was a gift to us. And the fact that he confounded and exasperated us sometimes with his choices. The fact that he scared us by taking risks. And the fact that our hearts are broken because he left too soon, after coming back so far, doesn't make him any less of a gift.

The grief we feel now sometimes morphs over time into something else; maybe it will recede a bit, kind of like the water, and something else comes forward. And that will be eventually what remains of my memories of Macky: wise, joyful, smiling. And trying to run just ahead of the waves.

Introduction Memorial Service

Welcome everyone, my name is Wallace Westfeldt and Macky was my nephew.

I am going to speak for the Westfeldts for a moment. And when I say the Westfeldts, I am including the Weems, the Booths, the Vairins, the Mathews, the Gages, the Oberwetters, the Swifts, the Meyers, the MacReynolds, the Olsens, the Daytz, the Doughertys, the Bogles, the Briggs, the Cannons, the Maynadiers, and the Goerichs.

Those are the branches of our family tree starting from my grandparents. This spring, three very fine leaves have fallen from that tree … Wallace Briggs Westfeldt, Alice Westfeldt Mathews, and Robert MacReynolds Westfeldt. Speaking for my family, we want everyone to know how grateful we are for the deluge of support and love from all our friends in the communities of Aspen, Nyack, Little Compton, and Boulder.

Wallace said

(Macky's memorial service, words from Wallace Westfeldt, Macky's uncle)

I have a still crisp memory of going over to Pat and Katie’s house when Macky was a toddler. It was one of my only babysitting experiences to that point. Ignorance gave me confidence. As it turned out, it wasn’t that hard. It was bedtime and the parents wouldn’t be gone that long. All I had to do was to sit and listen to the baby monitor; which I did, and after a while, I heard Macky talking. It sounded like he was talking himself to sleep. I went into the room to check and I was wrong. He was reading himself to sleep. Before falling asleep he looked up at me with a twinkle in his eye. I thought to myself, “Gee babies sure are smart these days.”

Earlier when I was listing the many branches of our family tree you may have detected that I am proud of my family. Indeed I am. To be a member of this family there are certain characteristics that you were either born with or you must learn. Weems’ son Dylan and I were talking about those qualities this week. For whatever reason, we felt it necessary to specify these core characteristics. We came up with courage, kindness of heart, endurance, and a sense of humor.

The first two that came to us were endurance and a sense of humor. These qualities support each other. When endurance fails, the sense of humor is there and when the sense of humor fails the audience must endure. Endurance is particularly important if you marry into the family. I have been told that this is even more important if you marry Patrick, Weems, or me. I have not spoken with Dylan’s wife Stephanie on this matter but I am sure she would readily agree.

My older brothers have taught me a lot about these characteristics. Not by telling me, but by showing me. For this reason and many others, I have always looked up to my brothers, … sometimes from underwater as they demonstrated to me how long I could hold my breath, but more often in their examples of kindness; Kindness to me, kindness to strangers, kindness to their spouses (especially when there are two or more in the same room), and kindness to their children. It has been said, “It is easy to be kind.” I don’t agree. I have felt kindness from Patrick and Weems when I needed it, not when it was convenient or easy … when it was damn hard. I firmly believe that Patrick and Weems have learned this ability to be kind from Connie, Holly, Nancy, and Katie. I know I have learned it from Amy. These are some of the greatest Moms you will ever meet. You can tell by meeting their children.

Pat and Katie lived near Amy and me when Macky was little. Macky and Patrick often wandered by our house accidentally near dinner time. Patrick and I coached Macky and Nate when they were on the same Little League team. Macky had rocket arm. Control was sometimes iffy. One batter kept wandering out of the batter’s box during Macky’s windup. Eventually, the umpire had to tell the batter to stay in.

Then there was a large gap in our contact. That gap was interrupted when Macky would come over for Mom’s Crab Soup on Christmas Eve. Those interruptions became more frequent a couple of years ago. And I don’t think it was the Crab Soup. It seems that Macky’s attempt to reconnect with members of his family coincided with meeting someone name Rachel. I got to meet Rachel when she, Macky, and Patrick came up for a Broncos game. I just found out that Rachel is not a Bronco fan but pretended to be one for this occasion at Macky’s insistence. Once again it seems that a good woman can do wonders for a Westfeldt man.

And then there is courage.

I once told a friend of mine, that to be a good parent you need to have a severe lack of imagination. Otherwise, you would never let your kids out of the house. Here we are today dealing with the unimaginable; because we do let out kids out of the house. More than that we encourage it, we urge them to enjoy and to engage. As parents we have to be courageous enough to do so, courageous enough to talk to our kids about life, no matter how scary the subject matter. Results, events, successes, failures are not guaranteed. Mistakes and wretched surprises happen, whether they be rocks hidden under the snow, or decisions about personal invulnerability. For me, the levels of courage, kindness, humor, and endurance that exist in Pat and Katie are only equaled by Weems and Nancy.

Once again, I have to say I am proud of my family. Three months ago I saw Macky in Aspen. It was a hard time. Macky was there to be with his family and support his Uncle, Aunt, and cousins. My son Nate told me how great it was to see him. Macky told Nate that he missed his family and wanted to hang out with Nate.

Now I have a new crisp memory …that memory of once again seeing the twinkle in his eye. In that twinkle, I saw his sense of humor, the endurance required to maintain it in sad times, the courage behind his recent decisions, and the kindness in his heart. I am grateful that I got to know such a fine young man and proud that he was my nephew. Thank you Patrick and Katie for the gift of Macky and the twinkle in his eye.

patrick said

The first thing I want to do, is to stand up in front of all of you, and say that I love my beautiful son. I love you Macky.

Many of you know that Katie and I, for years, were afraid this terrible call might come. His life was not just on the edge, it was sometimes deep into the darkness. All we could do was keep trying, fighting through the fear.

And then, somehow, his life began to change, slowly at first, with serious arrest avoidance tactics, because he was so tired of the justice system. And he found love, his beautiful Rachel. This loving couple were one month away from making a home together. In the last few months Macky was moving forward at an almost miraculous pace for him, as others have also observed, working, paying rent, planning his future.

He hoped to climb some of the high Colorado mountains with me, and was trying to get in shape. We would start up towards Bear Peak, Macky coughing up all the junk in his lungs, struggling with a chronic bad hip. Lastweek, he initiated and showed up for a trip to the doctor (he used to no show for doctors appointments) to get help quitting smoking, and called me proudly after 3 days with no cigarettes. And then off to our town's miracle sports Doctor Andy Pruitt, who nailed the diagnosis, to Macky's delight. He was actually eager to face what might be a difficult and uncertain surgery to get himself right for the things he wanted to do. And he could laugh about the past. Recently he gently ridiculed Katie and me for our first attempt at "Saving His Life," at age 16, when we had him kidnapped, by two 300 pound thugs, waking him up at 3AM, handcuffing him, and driving him to a boot camp in Utah. "Hey Mom and Dad, that worked out really well, didn't it?"

And all of a sudden it's politics, eager to vote for the first time, So what's up with these electoral votes.

He wanted to try school again, He said Dad, I don't want to go to learn a trade, I just want to learn.

Macky's loss is ... crushing, because the light was starting to shine, in his face and in ours. I had often prayed for Macky, asking God to help him find his way. And I am still trying to pray, and I give thanks for Macky's life. But sometimes I just cry out, Why Now? Oh God, why now? ....
In the cold light, we who have experienced years of alcoholism and addiction, and recovery, have seen this before. We know that it sometimes 'just happens' to recovering people. It's not really random, but still it just happens.

Please pray for Macky, and for me, and for Katie, and for Rachel, and for all who loved him.